It was dark and silent, but very peaceful. Down in the deep water, something started pumping, strong and clear, as if it's calling for rebirth. Strings of bubbles rash out from a young man's breath, he's awaked, from a long dream. He stretched out his long-lethargic body, whilst, he knows instantly, that another half of self is waiting for him out there, he knows she's coming. He eagerly swam out the dark ocean to reach for fresh air, the ocean is graceful and calm, the sky is cloudless blue, and the whole world is filled with hope, as beautiful as it's there just for him. He looked around, and started swimming slowly to the coast. Suddenly, he noticed the water's vibrating, like saying welcome to its old friend. The familiar hum of engine was unmistakably heard; he turned around excitedly as a giant aircraft thrilled through just above him, that conversant shadow summoned his old memories. He smiled with joy, running fast to his girl, he can't wait to embrace her tight once again, to feel her fresh, to smell her scent, at this moment, every efforts had been pay off, because of love.
I stood up in front of the computer and took a big breath as I sprawled, still imagining the whole plot from top to bottom. It was a sacred animation I yearn for so long. I closed this "FF X" tenth series CG ending with reluctance after watching it numerous times. I was fully satisfied. I lazily turned my head to the windows, the sky was dim with flying crows cackling, the sun was invisible, the thick mist covering the city with sadness. It's late June in Canton, the after rain moist made me suffocate. I sat quietly, reviewing some newly released mega and animations with my computer in a corner within four plain and heavy walls surrounded by oppressed nihility. My room was dark as usual, only the small table lamp guarding on my computer desk can provide a fragile gleam for the room. I left my legs and walked carefully to the bathroom, avoided stepping on the mess on the floor. The light had turned on, but I can barely see myself from the mirror, somehow, I knew that my hair was messy and my eyes were puffed. I'm sure this level of exhaustion is physically normal as I spent more than half of the 365 with my PC, but my expression just made me mentally intolerable. I brought my face closer to the mirror, questioning why my mom didn't give me a sweeter face. Water surging out between the narrow tap, whirring, I splashed my face from the tub, hoping to wash out all the imperfection. To admit the reality, I kept telling and forcing myself to get use to all these, plus I shouldn't expect a lot from a five hundred rent apartment. I jumped back to my throne quickly after the unpleasant refreshment, the real world doesn't belong to me, I confessed to myself. It was dark and silent, my cursor naturally clicked on the special edition of FFXII. Yes, this is me, a girl who lost herself in the addicted fantasy.
It’s a calm and cozy night at the time I was walking down the street, passing through the masked crowd, wishing to find my quiet destination beyond the muddled noise. People moved across me like a glum statue, miserably hanging on a repetitive living. Two well-dressed couple came out from a fancy restaurant with arms on each other's shoulder, chatting and laughing on a filthy movie they saw last night. The hoary beggar, exerting to crawl forward, twisted his body into a dehumanize form, and waving his slim atrophic arm severely, begging a petite attention under the couple's eyelashes. Without even notice his existence, the couple jumped the topic onto the local lotto while entering a Benz. The night was sweltering, but I suddenly felt nippy. I dropped off few changes and continued my way back home, carrying an additional sense of melancholy. There is no starring night I long for in this city, but I didn't ride a bus that night as always, for I still appreciate the nocturnal darkness. The sky's obfuscation reechoed my old memories. I stopped on a pedestrian bridge, imagining what it will be like as part of that story, as a significant individual who connected with its legendary emperors and citizens, princes and princesses, summons and monsters, magic and heroes, lost and hope, mystery and history. My heart pumped zealously as these chemicals in my brain started bouncing. It will be a dream world embraced by future, full of adventures and aspiration. The cars' flashlights still glancing off my eyes, I noticed the city will never give me a quiet moment. I wished I could escape this cynical reality, “please take me out”, I murmured in my heart.
“Where do you want to go?” a soft voice suddenly came from the back.
I hitched, never expecting a second person will interrupt my inner conversation- a heart-to-heart I’ve always kept it private to myself. My eyes searched curiously, then stunned by that familiar face.
“I’m here for a trip”, she said, “to see other worlds beside my own”. She looked at the wane moon with a release in her eyes.
“Whh…” I tried to make a sound with my mouth loaded with hundreds of questions.
“I feel tired”, she lowered her sight, moving the attention to the shuttling lights in the street, “tired of a world full of reminiscences”, she added, then turned her lissome body around and started ambling down the bridge.
“But you don’t like it here”, she said as I chased after her thread of fragrance that blended with the breeze.
The inconspicuous lamplight involved us into its shade, expanded her hazy shadow in front of me, and further elongated our distance.
“Do you?” she asked as if she already knew the reply.
Obviously a big no, I answered it to myself, not a world full of ugliness and hatred. I stared into space as her moves echoed the scenes of her legendary adventure, valiant and brilliant. Under that sky, with that freedom and sensation of passion in her world, there is nothing else worthy to be afraid of anymore. I wish one day I would build up my own sky.
Her paused step pulled back my consciousness. I noticed she’s glancing at the cloudy but aircrafts-less sky, feeling unease about the emptiness.
“It’s a very different world, but somehow I can still hear his breath, see his phantom and feel his temperature”.
It was her late husband she’s thinking of, a blessing marriage that ended at its start. Maybe death is a term that a living person could never understand.
“He promised me he will come back that night, but all I had back was his cold and still body”, she twisted the silver ring between her fingertips, the watery gleams reflected over her slate blue eyes.
“He was always smiling, even the moment before his departure, I felt all my worries had been relieved, because I know his the one I can count my whole world on”, she sighed as the wane moon dangles high at the silent blue reminding her his smiling face.
Suddenly, an intensive impulse surged in my mind, I wanted to console her, tell her everything is going to be OK, but then I realize a person like me who don’t even have the courage to face life doesn’t deserve to make any comments, so my words were swallowed back to my stomach, knowing they won’t make any difference.
“I think I will never forget him”, she closed her eyes, slightly roused up her chin as she took a big breath, “If time can go back”, she continued and said, “I will stop him from leaving that gate, and stop him from leaving me alone, but there is no going back”, she smiled, “Although our love is only based on promises and trust, but it’s all we needed, even though life is not eternal, but death doesn’t mean a forever departure, because what makes our brief life more important and meaningful is those twinkling of encounters, happiness, and beautiful memories that could last forever”.
At that moment, I felt that we are alike, as a human. Perhaps God is fair; it created us with its own blood that has the tastes of every ingredients of life - sweet, bitter, or sometime blended with sour. We are the lucky one to own this gift from God, whom offers us the most sorrowful and pleasurable present of life.
I noticed something icy fell on my forehead, it was snowing. The bleached snowflakes blurred my sight. Fairy tale says snow is the greeting from people in heaven for people on earth, if it’s true, then I’m sure it will keep blessing till it had disseminated the whole city.
“I won’t run anymore”, she shouted out as if she’s making a promise for him.
“Life is incomplete without lost and pain. And girl, you should cherish what you have in this living impermanency!”
I could no longer clearly discern her face from the snowy night anymore, yet, her words were loudly and clearly delivered through the snow to my heart.
“I don’t belong in this world just like you don’t belong in mine, don’t waste your life on my story. And finally someday you will have to grow up bravely, close up those lovely fairy tales, and look up to the glaring sunlight in this real world”.
Her breath faded, leaving the innocent snow crystals blooming in the air, soaking every cell of mine, and filling in each single vein in my heart.
“Deng-Dong”. A noise retrieved me from the clouds. I gently opened up my eyes, the monitor in front of me was on, waiting quietly for my operation. I lifted my head up from the computer desk, and gave my muddled brain two light slaps. “You have 1 new email”, my msn reminded me once again after waking me up. I closed the popped up window, and noticed last night’s FFXII animation had already stopped, when did I fell asleep? I couldn’t even remember.
A strand of first light stroke through the slits of window blind, whipping around the darkness in the room, and warming up my blood via the tiny skin pores. I opened up the window and hungrily inhaled the first breath of morning fresh air. There was a layer of hazy mist decorating the ginger sky, and the rising sun’s giving out every living being a big egg-yolk smile welcoming another brand new start of the day. I used to detest the foggy weather, because it conceals everything with its grey, but in this particular morning, I had an assured feeling that there will be surprises waiting somewhere patiently within the city corners.
